My parents probably just got on a plane to Chicago, and in twelve hours they're getting on a plane to me. ♥

I want to move to Canada for a few months. I just found out that the tourist visa is for six months, not just three months like it is in Europe. I think it would be really cool. The problem is I'd probably have to have over $10,000 at my disposal because I in no way qualify for a Canadian work visa.

I would like to live in a country where the native language is English but that isn't the US. It would allow me to relate to people yet still view it from an outsider's perspective.

Unfortunately, it seems the US is the only Western country with which other countries don't have special agreements to let people in. Pretty much anyone who can speak English and isn't a criminal can immigrate to the US, yet US citizens can't really emigrate without tons of problems. I think it's ridiculous that I don't even qualify for a Canadian residence permit. I wish the US had some kind of "job swap" you could do with Canada.

If any of these things actually do exist and I don't know about them, please bring it to my attention. I bet Canadians can come work at Yellowstone or something during the summer, but Americans aren't allowed to get seasonal jobs in Canada (?). I would just like to try something in a country where people don't make fun of me every time I open my mouth.

I'm afraid to be my real self so I'm trying to become a non-entity. I don't like the way this is headed.

I don't know why I'm still so hung up about this mistake I made, but at the same time, it's the only time my gut has been really, really right and I didn't trust it.

Usually when I give up on things it's not for a very good reason. I'm too lazy, I'm too afraid of rejection, something silly like this.

But this time I had a very, very deep-seated intuition and I just ignored it when I shouldn't have. And it was even telling me not to ignore it! And then my whole world fell apart.

As much as I regret coming here, I guess it has taught me to trust my heart and not listen to people when I know I should be listening to myself instead. This is not a situation in which logic could be applied; it was completely counter-intuitive, against the facts, yet it was so plain that I should turn around, undo what my heart somehow knew was a mistake.

I'm just angry at myself for listening to my brain, and more importantly, for listening to other people, when I knew what I should do, what I was supposed to do, what I thought I had to do.

I never really get "gut feelings" like I did, so that was probably my cue that I should listen to it.

I guess it's kind of pointless to try to explain it to other people, though, because I bet those people would still tell me I did the right thing when I know it wasn't right.

I feel bad that I took that internship when someone who truly would have appreciated it could have had it. I'm sorry I wasted literally every single day of the last 11 months when I could have been doing something with my life, or, more importantly, facing reality. I'm sorry I wasted a year and a half before that wishing every day that I were some place that I now know I didn't belong. I'm sorry for betraying myself. I'm sorry for becoming completely asocial. I'm sorry for not caring anymore. I'm sorry for retreating into a fantasy land rather than facing the real world. I'm sorry I turned down everything I could have done to make this situation more bearable. But most of all, I'm sorry I put my perceptions of what other people would think of me, in essence, my fears, before myself.

I knew from the second I stepped on the plane that I was making the wrong choice. It was just intuition. But I told myself that once I landed I would be okay. And I wasn't. I was never okay. Then after a couple of weeks I knew that this was heading nowhere and I should go home when I had the chance. And I was right. I've hated every day of my life being here. I've regretted the last 330 days of what could have been my life. I've been counting down the days until I leave since practically the day I got here.

I know people would have made fun of me and talked about me behind my back, called me "weak" or a deserter or an idiot or whatever. But I shouldn't have cared. Why did I care? I lost so much by staying here. I lost my will to live. Why didn't I put my happiness before my insecurities? Why did I care so much about being "liked"? Why did I care what people think of me? It wouldn't have mattered once I left anyway. Who cares.

I should have gone home. And this will serve as a valuable lesson to me. I'll never keep myself in a situation I know I shouldn't be in so long as there is any possibility of getting out of it.

I'm 23 years old. One year of my life is just...gone. One freaking year. I just LOST it. I want to live. I want to value my life. Instead I'm wasting it away.

I give up on things I shouldn't give up on way too easily, but I endure things I shouldn't allow myself to endure far too long.

Some day I'll stand up for myself and do the right thing.

Since the dawn of time, students have been using cliched blanket statements as an opening to their term papers.

I'm trying to think of jobs I can get when I move back home. :( Ugh, yeah, and it's gonna have to be entry-level retail because I have no real world skills.

Any input on the following jobs would be appreciated:

- working at a tea shop. I've worked as a barista before and I figure this would be sort of similar but much less stressful because there are fewer customers (morning rush? highly doubtful) and the majority of drinks are prepared the same way. They're probably a bit less anal about their procedures than Starbucks, too.

- working at a copy place (probably Kinko's). This sounds weird, but I've wanted to work at Kinko's since I was fourteen yet never got around to applying. My job has horrific copy machines and I've had to fix jams and such so I could say I sort of have experience. The problem would be that I tend to get really stressed out at time-sensitive jobs and I would be on my feet and running around the entire time, plus dealing with a lot of angry customers.

- going back to Starbucks. I didn't like the job that much but I was good at it and got free coffee. I'm considering doing this anyway, as a second job, for maybe ten hours a week. I can work at non-conventional hours so I could still work regular hours at another job.

- trying to become a school paraprofessional in some capacity. The up side: they pay about $2.00 more per hour than any of these other jobs, so I could work fewer hours and still make the same amount of money. The downside: I have to adhere to a very rigid schedule, and I'm not that fond of 9-5 type hours.

- working at a bookstore. The problem: every single time I've applied they will NOT get back to me! So this by default probably wouldn't work out.

- working at a grocery store, but trying to work my way up to management. I've seen 16-year-old managers at grocery stores and I have a Bachelor's degree and prior customer service experience. Yes, at the entry level this is a crappy as hell job, but I would have the potential to move up really quickly.

I just deleted every single journal entry I've written in this journal. Even the private entries.

I will definitely delete this one eventually, too.

I know basically no one even reads this thing, but I needed to purge myself of all the negativity I've let seep into this journal. I want to write things that I will want to look back on a few years from now, not things that will make me feel like the whiny brat I am.

I plan to rise from the ashes come this fall. I know I'm probably letting myself fall into the trap of being able to start over again, but this time I think it's for real, because...well, I have my reasons. Mostly because there's nothing out there for me to try to conquer anymore. I've realized it's all in my control and I don't have to fight against a doomed future.